my cat sitting in the basement
Pussy is not amused about her basement being awash.
  • written by jonas

Prehistoric Living

When I looked out of the window, I didn’t see anything. Not that I was blind – I simply happened to stare into a black void, desperately trying to recognise some outlines.

Needless to say my effort had been unsuccessful, it might be worth explaining that my neighbourhood just had a blackout. It takes a second to realise what the fuck just happened when your amplifier says Goodbye! with a minimalistic clicking sound, the lights turn off and you’re suddenly in the dark and all on your own. It’s even worse when your laptop’s battery is dead, your phone is at 10 percent and you feel the urge to take a shit but don’t know whether the toilet’s actually going to flush and if you’ll be able to wash your hands. While my mind is kinda dirty, I prefer to wash my hands as unclean hands aren’t my kink.

Anyway, I went into the corridor to get some candles. On my way out of the room I found out that flipping the light switch reflexively wouldn’t help me at all when there’s no electricity. I also took a pen, a piece of paper and started writing this “post” by hand. God, I forgot how hard this was.

After an hour, the electricity is back and I am able to use a keyboard now!

Today, I mean yesterday, a relative of mine wanted to hear my parents’ opinion (mine too) on an apartment she thought about buying. It’s located in western Germany. Do I need to say more? Probably yes, as I want to explain why this is not the usual West Germany bashing I love to practise.

See, unlike the GDR which probably never had any golden age, the golden age of western Germany was the 60s and 70s. Two decades after war, economy quickly recovered, thanks to “our American friends” having been very supportive since the 50s. Thanks! So, what do people do when they have lots of money? They spend it on shit which makes them feel great, that is cars, accessoires and houses. The problems which many small towns in western Germany face nowadays is that a lot of real estate was built or renovated in the 1970s and people stopped caring afterwards or died. Too bad the 70s were a horrible decade for interior design and aesthetics. (Ever seen Kubrick’s “Clockwork Orange” from 1973? The film’s interiors make me feel sick on a physical level.)

The apartment we came to take a look at was such a lost cause. Designed by the architect who also built the house as his own apartment, it features a lot of creepy design decisions. It’s like a real life time machine; I was left overwhelmed to see something so out of place from which I didn’t think it was possible.

Feel free to take a look: Photo showing a prehistoric living room.

Isn’t it beautiful? Mind how no design element fits to anything else. Mind the two old TVs standing around, mind the old stereo you can’t see from this angle and the corresponding ABBA cassette. Mind the taxidermied bird and the overkitsched fireplace downstairs. Mind the lack of insulation and mind the various forms of depression you will get when living there.

Home feels one hundred times more comfortable now.

  • written by jonas

Another Late Night

Click. I turn the key as the door to our flat opens.

I think of the party I just came from. I thought it would be a birthday party for someone but apparently my friends just wanted to have fun without any reason! There were lots of people invited who don’t like each other but they managed surprisingly well. Also, everyone likes me! I’m fine with that.

I take the heavy wooden stairs.

My former bankmate from school has his second girlfriend now and she’s quite cool, like his first one. She would even have a threesome involving me but square bankmate doesn’t want to fuck me.

I enter the bathroom and wash my face.

The best thing of the party was what happened after. We got on our bikes (because you wouldn’t drive a car when drunk, right?) and went home, through the empty town.

An empty street at night

I put that special favourite album on.

I sleep. Now.

  • written by jonas

I can't concentrate right now, but that's okay

On Friday afternoon, my former schoolmates picked me up and we got into a car, drove to Lower Saxony (the Brits controlled this part of Germany after the collapse of the Third Reich which is why it’s kinda dull and boring here) and went camping. As I said in the last post, I usually hate camping, but I still liked the idea to do something with my friends.

On the first day, it started raining, I was tired, everything looked shitty and I got quite depressed. Here’s an excerpt from the last post I had written but couldn’t publish due to bad reception (thank god.)

This place is dull and depressing. Bad weather makes me feel like shit. It started raining when we wanted to set up the tent. It fucking sucks. I’ll just try to get some sleep in that cold, muddy, smelly tent with three muddy, smelly dudes while some loud jerks from the tent next to us make a lot of noise.

After a noisy night full of loud EDM music blasted at an inhumane volume level, crammed into a shitty sleeping bag, I was in a surprisingly good mood. The sun was shining. I went to the camp site’s bath house and took a shower, which was surprisingly warm and pleasant as fuck, with some radio music blaring out of a tiny speaker. I got dressed and we went to the reception where an old lady approached one of my friends and offered him her newly bought JVC bluetooth headphones (for which she apparently paid 50 euros) for just 5! euros, stating she had no use for them. I thought she wanted to scam him or was just batshit insane but this lady remained insistent, prasing JVC to the skies for its quality. At this point I had to force myself hard not to laugh out loud.

“JVC is a company of outstanding quality!”
- weird elderly woman, 2017

After taking a beautiful trip on a pedal boat, we went to the woman’s motorhome to see what her offer was all about. Turned out she had bought the headphones to enjoy her opera music in an audiophile manner but they didn’t sound as good as she wanted to. As an audiophile myself, I can understand this perfectly and the weird eldery woman turned into an narcisstic, likeable lady that just wanted to get rid of her headphones in all honesty.

“I have brilliant ears, you know?”
- narcisstic, likeable lady, 2017

While my friend tried to pair the headphones and his phone, I talked to the woman about what she did on this camp site and why. Turns out she doesn’t have a husband nor children and is kinda bored, so she sold her apartment and now chills out at the camp site all the time with her motorhome and in a few weeks she’ll go to Spain just because she can. That’s great.

We also had this conversation:
her: “Yes, and I also had a Yamaha [insert model number here] piano at home.”
me: “Okay haha!!” *tries to be interested*
her: “Do you know that thing?”
me: “Well, actually I don’t.”
her: “Yeah then why don’t you just ask me about that?”

I would like to hate the JVC granny, but I love her direct way of speaking a little too much for that.

After that we played some minigolf (I lost :/) and then barbecued some stuff.

I will go home tomorrow and enjoy my bed like I never did before. It was fun though. Also the loud jerky music from the jerky jerks next to our tent makes me kinda nervous and keeps be from really getting into the mood for writing so this post might be a clusterfuck, sorry. And even though I can’t concentrate right now, it’s kinda okay.

Edit 16 Jul 2017: The moment we wanted to sleep, the stomach of friend X started aching, and it worsened. We decided it was best to take him to a local hospital, but the camping ground’s gate locks after 10pm, there was nobody awake and the emergency number lead to a fire station far far away where they said “we don’t have anything to do with the emergency doctor but we can break the gate if you want us to. In the meantime, some other friend tried waking up permanent campers, and he was successful with it, because there was one with a key.

In the end, it took us about an hour to get to the hospital. According to the metadata of photos we took, we reached the emergency department at probably 3am. Then, we got to the camp site again but since I’ve gotten extremely hungry I suggested that we went to McDonald’s first. So we did, and we were lucky because it closed at 4am but we entered at 3:59am, probably annoying the local manager who kicked us out at 4:15.

a German McDonald's subsidiary in the dark

Anyway, I ordered a soft drink from [insert terrible company here] and a Hamburger Royal TS. Did you know the Royal TS was first sold in Germany? Did you know the “TS” stands for “Tomate” and “Salat” which roughly translates to “tomato” and “salad”? Did you know you can’t get this tasty burger in America and that it’s not because of the metric system? Now you know.

  • written by jonas


Hey. As you might have noticed, some of the posts on this site were written early in the morning (like this one!) and I started to enjoy this. In fact, I started to enjoy it so hard that I even want to write something down without actually knowing what to talk about. I’m just sitting in my messy room with my laptop, hoping the laptop’s battery loose contact won’t fuck me into my tight little… life. And Radiohead’s OK Computer is coming out of the loudspeakers. How dystopian-romantic. Or, as the king of edginess would say: “edgy”.

I can’t explain why but it’s a fact my mood is a lot better late at night than it is after going to bed… isn’t sleep supposed to make you feel refreshed afterwards? For me, it seems to be the other way around: I start feeling better as the day goes on but after waking up in the morning, I feel like shit. Today, I even had to throw up after breakfast but I didn’t know why. At least I felt better afterwards. Also filmed an interview for a local company which makes me quite proud of myself. I didn’t want to use a tripod because it makes interviews even more boring than they actually are so I always moved around and zoomed a little and stuff like that. To be honest, the outcome rather resembles an episode of The Office than an interview. But that’s okay and if someone doesn’t like this I can just say it’s my style. Also got 10 euros for that task.

Since I started this site last year I’ve always wanted to write about why Mario Kart DS is the ideal way to spend time while taking a shit but I need to get the real experience again before writing about it in order for that to be authentic. So please remain patient while I continue being too point-blank for everybody’s linguistic taste, including my own.

Wo wir gerade bei sprachlichen Angelegenheiten sind: vor ein paar Tagen fiel mir auf dass ich auf Deutsch wahrscheinlich ganz anders spreche als auf Englisch und mich dann auch etwas wie eine andere Person fühle. Bei Französisch ist das aber nicht der Fall. Bei Französisch fühlt man sich einfach idiotisch.

I’ll go camping tomorrow, did you know? I bet you didn’t, because I hadn’t told you. But it’s true. Some former schoolmates will come with me. Or, to say it in a more precise way: I’m going with them since I have no clue about how and when and where this is going to take place whatsoever. I love appointments and side trips but I hate the details. And camping. Camping sucks, I dislike everything about it. Messy tents, the cold and humid air in the morning, cold body parts because sleeping bags are the worst. I do it for the social aspect.

  • written by jonas