Returning


There has been a lot of shit going on in my mind lately and I have no reasonable jar to pour my thoughts into, so I am going to abuse this very site, as I have always loved to do. If you don't mind, I need to vent.

Prologue

Almost a year ago, I wrote what was supposed to be the last post. I was laying in a hospital bed in Hamburg, not feeling well. There was a bad suspicion that I had been infected with Malaria thanks to having been stung by an Egyptian mosquito.

Turns out, I did not have Malaria. Always the hypochondriac I.

I quit my computer science studies in autumn. I was burnt out and slowly acknowledged the fact that I actually did not care about computer science at all. In retrospect, I do not even know why I applied to the course, but I think I confused "tinkering with computers is fun" with "I want to masturbate on theoretical concepts because I am a fucking nerd!"

While I could see myself pushing through, I could also see myself jumping off an office building as a forty year-old software engineer.

So I quit, and applied for film studies in [redacted]. I also moved to Berlin to work as a software developer in the meantime.

Problem I

While studying in Hamburg, I have dreamt about breaking the cycle of fear and loathing and doing film. I saw everything neatly coming to fruition in my mind's eye.

But even the first step is hard: I have to submit a short film as a part of the application process. This is understandable, but I am also still burnt-out. I also have too much free time and too little pressure. I do not have a fucking clue what to do. My mind is empty, and I have one month left to produce the film. Help.

Problem II

This is even worse. I have again taken the slippery-slope-joyride into an identity crisis. See — the reason I abandoned this site is that I wanted something more personal. So I built a personal site.

And I have done nothing with it. My mind is still empty.

On strata, I could write anything I wanted but would not get any credit for it or establish some kind of portfolio. That sucked. I love to express myself and share my creations.

Now, on a personal site, I can do that. But the personal aspect led to an unexpected and complete writer's block. I fear what people might think of me, that I am painting myself into a corner, that people will laugh at what I think.

Each free day I get up, then write stuff for an hour, then sit around for the rest of the day explaining to myself why it is a good idea to publish it, why it is not, why it actually is, and why it actually is not, all while overthinking the site aesthetics, the URL scheme, everything. It's too much, and I can not figure out how resolve this.

At first, I even thought I was stupid, or verbally crippled to some extent, but writing this post here shows I am able to blog just fine. I guess I am simply more vulnerable than I actually want to admit. Help.

Problem III

I have too many aesthetics for personal self-expression.

Other people don't seem to have this problem, but I just cannot find a drawer to shove my identity into. At different times of the days and weeks and months, I think it's best if I just am cute / quirky / bold / dark all the time. Then, I meet people and they put me into their own cute / quirky / bold / dark box. Then, I am fed up of my current vibe and change a little, then I weird people out. Help.

The Good Things

  1. I have bought a second rubber suit.
  2. I am constantly surrounded by a couple of cats.
  3. I have lived in more places than most of my friends.
  4. I look good most the time. Not exceptional, but good.
  5. I feel like I have a much clearer insight into life and people than I used to.

Conclusion

Life is hard, and I am not.

— jonas, .


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